Giving yourself GRACE

By Good Night Consultant Megan Heuer

Giving yourself grace in the adjustments of having a child/children is itself a big adjustment. You have gone from just you and your partner to a family of three, or four or five in the case of giving birth to multiples. This is the biggest step yet in your family’s history thus far. The adjustments that come with it impact every area of your life. You and your partner don’t have time for just the two of you; your attention is divided and interrupted by the frequent cries and needs of someone else which cannot be ignored.

Give yourself the grace to process the birth. Giving birth, whether vaginally or via a C-section, is traumatic and life-altering. Give yourself the grace to digest, process and take in all that has happened. Sometimes, you may need to replay the whole labour process and/or birth in your mind or talk to someone about it to help you process it. Try not to worry or live too far ahead (worrying about the future, when they are older, etc.), but live in the now and be present with the season you are in. Give yourself the grace to heal from the ideals and dreams of the birth you had pictured and planned and it then not happening that way. Allow yourself to be sad, disappointed, let down, and then, through that, find things to be grateful for in where you are now.

Give your body the grace to heal. Allow the swelling and bleeding to heal and stop. Your body has stretched and grown to accommodate this little being’s development in your womb for nine months (maybe a little less or more, depending on when they decide to make their appearance). You now have more stretch marks, red marks, dark marks, more cellulite and more jiggle than ever before. Give yourself the grace to accept the new way your body looks. I know for myself, after gaining close to 20 kg with my first pregnancy, that I only managed to lose a lot of weight after a year during weaning. But today, after having three kids, I weigh a lot more than I did before having kids. My hips are wider and my body shape is much different compared to before having children. Sure, you can gym and eat healthier, but don’t let it consume you. Rather find grace for yourself that, one day, you will be able to focus on it and become the best version you want to be of yourself. For now, find grace for what you currently look like and embrace it.

Give yourself grace post birth. Things will not be the same and any preconceived ideas of how you wanted things to be usually don’t turn out that way. Give yourself grace, mama, to take it one day at a time – moment for moment. Post birth, give yourself the grace to figure out this new little being that has entered the world. Give yourself the grace to figure out feeding, whether by breast or bottle. Sometimes, seeking the help and wisdom of an experienced lactation consultant can bring you peace of mind and equip you with the tools to make the journey a little easier. This was a huge help for me even after I had had my second child, as my first and second children fed so differently and both having lip ties made breastfeeding quite challenging. With support and help, my breastfeeding journey was much easier and more enjoyable.

Give yourself the grace to do things slower; with a little person, everything takes way more time, and when you least expect it, a blow-out or spit-up happens and you need to do an outfit change for either one or both of you. Take the time to prepare your nappy bag for any unexpected incidences or situations, giving your brain a little more space and peace knowing you are prepared when stepping out of your home.

Give yourself the grace to know that others’ expectations and requirements of you need adjusting and don’t matter as you have just had a baby and that is where your focus needs to be. And if these expectations of others do not change, give yourself the grace to tell yourself that what they think doesn’t really matter. All that matters is this little life and your family.

Give yourself grace knowing that the relationships around you will change and sometimes need time to adjust. Friends and family may initially feel excluded and left out, but you, too, are adjusting and finding a new normal. The relationships that matter will stick around and wait for you until you are ready and available again. It is called a newborn bubble / haze for a reason – give yourself grace for this season.

Give your mental health grace to adjust to the changes and responsibilities that come with having a baby. The baby is dependent on “you” for all their needs. Every cry at night or in the day demands your attention and energy. You need to try and figure out what needs to be done to have that need met without your baby being able to really communicate what they need. Not knowing what they need and trying multiple things to get the need met and the crying to stop but not being successful can be defeating. Mama, allow yourself grace. It’s okay to not always get it right; this little body does not know what they want either. Sometimes, your baby’s cry is just what they need; allow them grace to do just that, while you cuddle and hold them while they cry.

Give yourself the grace to know that not all crying by your little one has a solution or answer. This new little body and brain have lots of growing to do and crying is a primitive-instinctive way for them to expand their lungs and process everything they have gone through and are going through. Allow yourself grace, mama, to have the peace to lean into supporting your little one, while you hold them tight to let them cry – even if it sometimes results in you both crying together. You are not a failure; you are just learning and growing together.

Give yourself the grace to know that, one day, you will sleep again. For the first four months, your body is biologically designed to cope better with lack of sleep as you attend to your baby’s needs. Again, if you find that you are not coping, reach out to the experts who can help you and your little one build better sleep habits that can result in better sleep.

Give yourself the grace to grow with your baby. Yes, you are the adult, but you have never been a parent before. No one can prepare you as much as being it and living it. No amount of wisdom from others or books, podcasts and research studies can make you the mature and perfect parent you envisioned yourself to be as much as learning in the moment and growing with your baby. And then, when you have a second child, you learn all over again – you realise that you thought you knew something but that you actually knew nothing at all, as this new baby demands different things and requires something else that your first baby / child needed differently. Give yourself the grace, therefore, to grow and learn together. A new thing is happening between you and your baby.

Mama, give yourself grace by realising that you and your baby are forming something new. Even though all the millions of mothers who have gone before you can give advice and wisdom, they have never had your baby and have never been you.

Give yourself the grace to listen to others’ advice when you are struggling or want to know something. Decide on three people whom you trust the most and whose input you value the most. Give yourself grace knowing that their advice might not be the perfect solution but can help you and your little one.

Give yourself the grace to lean on others and ask for help when you don’t get to all the things you need or want to do. When someone offers a meal or offers to wash dishes or do a load of washing, give yourself the grace to accept and say thank you – do not feel like a failure. Right now, your little one is the focus, so find grace for that.

Mama, your little one was given to you, as no one else can look after them and raise them better than you can. Every mama has been given a baby/ies whom they can raise well. Having others alongside you really does help, but you are the best mama for your baby/ies. We just need to find grace to trust in ourselves and our own abilities to do the best we can. We need to find grace to cope with the changes and not only survive but thrive through each moment. So, here’s to a year of finding grace and thriving through 2025!