Gentle Sleep Training

By Managing Director
Jolandi Becker

In a recent trend, I have noticed so many sleep consultants advertising or promoting themselves as “gentle sleep” coaches, using gentle methods that promote attachment. Even at Good Night, when we talk to parents, they seem to ask if we use “gentle” methods and want surety that how we approach things will be “gentle” and foster attachment.

At Good Night, we have consciously made the choice NOT to use these words, or advertise our business in this way, or even talk about our methods in this way. This, for sure, does NOT mean that we don’t have or use gentler methods, and definitely does NOT mean we don’t promote attachment.

BUT we have been around the block a couple of times – and are planning to do it a couple more and in the process hopefully learn even more. As you will see, we have given it a LOT of thought, and here are our reasons why we choose not to use these words.

Firstly, you need to understand that choosing to use gentler methods often entails a more prolonged process. The approach on how to do it more gently can vary greatly and depend on many variables. From the age of the baby to how many sleep associations are present, the type of sleep association, where the baby is sleeping, etc. can have an impact on how you will approach it more “gently”. We could choose to take it on one building block at a time, or one sleep association at a time… but all in all, it will mean taking small steps and gently easing into each aspect that needs to change, one piece at a time.

Every family has different perceptions of what gentle is. One family might think that two or three nights of a bit of crying is better compared to implementing changes with a gentler method over a prolonged period of three to four weeks. Neither is better or right; it depends on what you feel is best for your family and baby.

Every family’s perception of attachment is also different. We all want a bond with our children. In my over 11 years as a sleep consultant, I have NEVER met a mom who does not want a relationship or bond with their baby/toddler. One family might feel that they want to be with their little one most of the time; another might not feel the same way; and another might not have a choice or the luxury to be with their baby all the time even if they want to. Some moms can cope with waking up two to four times a night even after years; others might feel after three months that they are not coping with even just one feeding a night. None of the choices (not all have choices) is better or right, but the reality is that attachment rarely happens when parents are tired (again, one person’s tired is not another person’s tired), even when they are physically present all the time. 

Unfortunately, even the gentlest of methods can elicit change and crying. Even our BEST intentions of wanting to assist and minimise crying could be useless, especially with older babies or toddlers. Some babies at some point just want to sleep, and if we try to help in other ways or just make small changes, they will cry. Some toddlers will cry EVEN if mom is with them, or worse, especially when mom is with them. Even small changes, like putting a light off or implementing a bonding bedtime routine, could be enough change to cause some babies to cry. GENTLE does not always mean NO crying. No one can guarantee NO crying; we don’t know how YOUR baby will respond. The best we can do is ensure that we follow a responsible process, understand why there is crying when it happens and ensure it gets better as soon as possible and, of course, support you through the changes and give you perspective on how the process should be progressing.

Often, “sleep training” – gentle or not – is associated with crying, and a big concern for many parents is the emotional impact of the crying on their baby/toddler. Research shows that chronic sleep deprivation or poor sleep quality can increase the risk of developing mental health issues later in life. Sleep is crucial for emotional regulation. Lack of sleep is strongly linked to a variety of mental health issues, both in childhood and later in life. Poor sleep disrupts brain function, making children more prone to anxiety and depression. Teaching children healthy sleep habits can protect their long-term mental health, improve emotional regulation, and reduce the risk of mental health challenges later in life. Thus, the long-term impact of prolonged poor sleep far outweighs the short-term impact of sleep training.

What we at Good Night do is MORE than just sleep training; we understand that the methods – even the gentle ones – are just one building block of sleep and that the responsible thing is to NEVER do sleep training in isolation. We responsibly assess each case by analysing all building blocks that impact sleep, from the environment to nutrition but also day-time routines and sleep associations. 

The bottom line is this… at Good Night, we believe in CHOICE. We know that each baby, parent and situation is different and we custom-make our plans and support according to the beliefs, wants and needs of each case. We know that the parenting journey entails billions of choices (often not even choices but the culmination of circumstances) and that your intention is only to have the BEST for your baby and family. We are grateful for the opportunity to join you on a part (even just a blip) of that journey.